Well, that was a unique, entertaining, and at times exasperating weekend. I had a blast, all in all, though, and learned a lot about volunteer organizations, and just how good we have it at conventions.

The Set Up
So, last week takaza and I joined lisagems for her birthday dinner, along with datahawk, unclevlad, renniefrog, wyldekyttin, raven_ap_morgan, and tardis21. Brent (tardis21) was recruiting people to volunteer to provide security for an interesting event coming up: Nudes-A-Poppin (LINK IS NOT WORK-SAFE). This is a big nude beauty pageant that takes place at Ponderosa Sun Club, a nudist camp just south of Merrillville, Indiana every year, hosted by Ron Jeremy (yeah, that Ron Jeremy) and various adult video stars. The idea sounded crazy and different enough that I figured, why not? Dan was less inclined to join in the fun, and opted for a quiet weekend at home instead. (Brent: “Well, one thing they have new recruits do is keep an eye out for guys who become, um, publicly aroused, and tell them to cover it up or put it away.” Me: “So you’re saying I’d have to spend the day looking at men’s penises? Oh noes! Sign me up!”)

Saturday
So it was that Saturday morning found Lisa, Data, and I southbound to Ponderosa. Because we had been told that the security briefing would be at 5 PM, we took our time, cutting through northeastern Indiana, stopping to do a bit of shopping, and enjoying a leisurely lunch. We finally pulled in at about 3 PM, though we were lacking a few important details, like who we were supposed to be seeing and where we were supposed to go. We got this sorted out pretty quickly, though, and found where we were supposed to be.

Now, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but Ponderosa Sun Club reminded me of an RV park more than anything else. The place is normally nude-only, but for one weekend a year for Nudes-a-Poppin they are clothing-optional. The place is heavily wooded, with trailers and even some very nice mobile homes are nestled amidst the trees. The centerpiece of the place is a huge swimming pool, along with a picnic pavilion. I had some cognitive dissonance as I drove through the camp, as you’re normally not really expecting to see naked people walking around, but after a few hours it becomes the norm, and actually is pretty cool. The residents and members there were extremely courteous and welcoming.

I got to meet a couple of very nice Chicago sci-fi community regulars I hadn’t seen before, Rich (Pan) and Suzette (Laptop). They kindly donated space beside their trailer for Lisa to set up her (huge!) tent, and we hung out for a couple of hours with some other local sci-fi fen, Gary (Plume, who I remembered from Congenial) and Bam. When five O’clock came around and we were told that the meeting was actually at 7 PM, we said t’heck with it and Lisa, Plume, and I went swimming. On a beastly hot day like that, the pool felt wonderful, and the people watching was extremely entertaining (mostly the guys who weren’t used to seeing a lot of naked women around). Many of the competitors for the next day’s competition were hanging around the pool; with all that silicone, they were pretty easy to spot. Yeesh.

The security meeting was a rambling affair that established that there was a chain of command: Black shirts (5-6 of them) were the Guys In Charge. Orange shirts (10-15 of them) were the Sector Leaders and reported to the Guys In Charge. Yellow shirts (60-70 of them, including us) were the Grunts, reporting to the Orange shirts. Our duties were to keep an eye out for minor problems (penis patrol public arousal, glass bottles) as well as major stuff like fights and health issues; for the major stuff we were supposed to notify the closest Orange shirt, who would do something about it. Did I mention they were expecting 5,000 – 7,000 people? Right about then was when I started getting a bad feeling about this.

After the meeting, everyone was supposed to talk to the Orange shirt under whose responsibility they fell under, except ours had no clue, so instead we wound up signing up for the “fill-in” list, to take over for folks when they needed to be rotated out from their positions. We were assigned yellow shirts (XL only, 50/50 cotton/polyester. Ack!) and then things broke up into a general party. I grabbed a bit of food, but decided to call it an early night. Given that I don’t camp well anyway (I’m a very light sleeper) plus the fact that the low for the night was supposed to be in the upper 70’s and extremely humid, I took the better part of valor and reserved a room at the Merrillville La Quinta. Yeah, it was a half-hour away, but it was so, so worth it!

Sunday Morning
Sunday morning I woke up at 5 AM. I took a quick shower, checked out, then grabbed a dozen doughnuts and some ice to replenish our coolers. I had been warned of lines of cars extending for miles to get in, the event was so popular. Maybe that was the case after the gates opened at 8 AM, but at 6:15 AM there were two cars ahead of me and I had no problem going in and parking. Rich’s sister-in-law was making a yummy breakfast of bacon and eggs, along with some tasty fruit (the doughnuts, it turned out, were superfluous). I hung around waiting for folks to wake up, then made sure everyone in our group got breakfast (Data, Lisa, Brent, Bam, Plume, and I were, along with Rich and Suzette, the “con contingent,” veterans of working science fiction conventions, and honestly seemed to be the most organized and together group there). And then…we sat. Everyone else went out into the field, and it was just our small group sitting around the area that was serving as Security Base. I was very antsy and helped move coolers and ice around a bit to stay busy, but mostly we just hung out. Finally, at around 9:30 our Orange shirt leader come by and recruited Lisa and I to work “on the Inside”. Ooookay.

The camp was divided into two areas; “Outside” was the gates, the support areas, places that you didn’t have a whole lot of contact with the public. “Inside” was the areas around the stages, where all the crowds gathered. We were put in an area off to the side, where people were walking in from the parking area. The performances were taking place inside the pool area, with the crowd being kept out by the fence around the pool. There were several dozen women competing, each doing a striptease to three songs. The most entertaining thing i saw was the women who came on in a Christmas outfit (red, white fur trim, etc.) whose three songs were Carol of the Bells, Christmas in Hell (from the South Park soundtrack), and Christmas at Ground Zero (by Weird Al). Wow. I didn’t see much of her dancing, but I can only hope she was going at it with a sense of humor.

The crowds. I have to say, when I found out they were letting people bring in coolers, their own booze, whatever they wanted, I was extremely apprehensive. For the most part, though, the crowd was very well-behaved, even the bachelor party group who decided that Lisa was Their New Best Friend. About 30-40% of the women in the (mostly-male) crowd were in various states of undress, and maybe 10-15% of the men. By far the creepiest behavior that I saw was when a woman would show off a bit for a photographer. Then another photographer would come over. Then someone with a video camera. Suddenly she’s got fifteen guys with cameras trying to take pictures of her from all angles. I kept an eye on these clusters, since guys jockeying for position was a prime source for a fight, plus when a woman said “no” that meant “no” and our role was to enforce that. That was never an issue, though, and everyone was pretty easy-going. And in case anyone was wondering, I did not encounter a single instance of public arousal.

Here’s where the story goes bad, though. Wheat I haven’t really mentioned before is that Sunday was the hottest day since 1995 (500 deaths from the heat in Chicago alone). Between the heat and the humidity, the heat index was 110 degrees. It was incredibly brutal out in the sun, and only slightly better in the shade. To their credit, the security support staff (run very capably by Rich and Suzette) did a great job of making sure that everyone had plenty of sandwiches, cold water and Gatorade as often as needed. Unfortunately, that kind of heat takes its toll and water will only get you so far. By noon I was really starting to drag; when I mentioned this to a passing Orange shirt, his response was, “Well, we’re a little short-handed. Can you stay out a little longer?” By 12:30 I was starting to get dizzy, and that was when i decided it was time to head back to base. I stumbled back and Data gave me a most alarmed look and asked if I was OK. She kindly got me a sandwich and some Gatorade and I just sat under a tree for about a half hour. I went and grabbed a nice cool shower and after that I felt much better. While I was in the shower, Lisa came in and headed straight to the air conditioning of Rich and Suzette’s trailer; she had pushed herself harder than I had pushed myself, and was unfortunately done for the day.

Sunday Afternoon
I was ready to go back out at 2:30. I wasn’t wild about the idea, but apparently the quality of volunteers that they had was rather low; by noon they were severely understaffed and people were getting stuck at posts with no sign of relief. We were assigned to the (blessedly shady) North Gate with instructions to call for relief after an hour. The North Gate is on the far end of the property, and was the exit for the main parking lot. We just had to wave at people as they left, stamp anyone’s hands if they wanted to come back in later, and make sure no one came in. It was an easy duty, and we got to chat so it was OK. After an hour, we could tell by the radio traffic that they were still hard-up for volunteers, so we didn’t say anything and just sat tight. After two hours we both needed a bathroom break, but they were shorthanded enough that they could only show up and ferry us one at a time to the closest rest room, then put us back at the gate. The show started wrapping up at 6 PM and the cars started trickling out as they shooed them from the parking lots. By 6:45 PM we were reaching the point where we had to hit the road, since it was a three-hour trip home. I was starting to get rather irate and pretty much prepared to leave the gate unattended if they didn’t get someone there and said so to a passing Orange shirt, who called it in with more authority than we had, or some crap like that. Someone finally showed up on a golf cart to relieve us at 7:30 (five hours after we’d started), but left us to walk the half-mile or so back to Security Base on our own. Bless her heart, Suzette met us with a golf cart not long after we left the gate and gave Data a ride back, while i grabbed my car which was right nearby.

I was really, really pissed off when we got back to Base and I made a point of pulling Rich aside and told him that I had had a good time overall, and I would love to come back to help next year…on his and Suzette’s staff only. The rest of the clowns there obviously have no idea what they’re doing and their volunteers suffer for that fact. And if that’s what they’re going to do, so be it – I don’t want any part of it. Rich was very apologetic, and said he’d welcome the help (and maybe that of other con-experienced folk who’d be interested, as well). I think (or at least I hope) he’s got a big enough voice in the organization at the camp that my complaints will be heard. It’s a fun event, but unless they improve their volunteer staffing and organization, it’s going to be hard on their volunteers and hard on themselves when they find people aren’t willing to come back the next year to help.

We packed up and hit the road shortly after that. It’s a shame because we had to leave in the middle of preparations for what looked like a huge feast. Apparently, the general idea is that volunteers are welcome to stick around until Monday (which is “Banana Daiquiris By the Pool” day), but we didn’t get the memo, and anyway Data and I had to be at work today. Next year, though, I would really like to be able to take that extra day to relax, recuperate, and generally hang out. All in all, it was a lot of fun, with the exception of some glaring moments of incompetence. I hope I’m invited back next year to help, and I look forward to seeing some of the nice folks I met this weekend at sci-fi cons in the coming months.

And here I am today. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure I’m still suffering from the effects of all of that sun. Thank heavens the Bullfrog sunblock worked, though my face is a bit red. I’ll be heading to bed early tonight, and try to catch up on some of the sleep that I didn’t get last night.