So, I was looking through old e-mail and I came across this from September, 1997. geniealisa had sent me a list of pointers of how a woman can please her man. I sent it back, with my own notations added. I laughed myself silly over it as I was re-reading it, so I’ll share it with you here…

The following is from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time.

“Honey, the Spam and macaroni and cheese casserole is on the table!”

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

Be sure to remove all of your clothes and coat yourself in ketchup.

He has just been with a lot of work- weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.

Coat yourself and your lesbian lover in ketchup.

His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.

…children, pets, Quaaludes, dental dams…

Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Because nothing says, “I have no life but to serve this ignorant slob” like a spotless house!

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.

Rehearse “Edelweiss” with them, and be sure that their lederhosen fits properly.

They are little treasures

that should be buried

and he would like to see them playing the part.

Specifically, the parts of the cute kids in “Children of the Corn”

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum.

Or try stuffing three-foot wide wads of cotton in his ears. Better yet, smother him with a pillow. Nothing says “I love you” like attempted homicide.

Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Promise them you’ll let them out of the closet when they’re old enough.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

And be sure to keep the butcher knife hidden behind your back.

6. Some Dont’s:
Don’t greet him with problems or complaints.

Instead, present them to him in a twenty page, single-spaced document over brandy.

Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

…even if the dog ate the telephone, little Johnny broke two fingers and his pelvis trying to surf down the stairs, and sweet little Susan’s pregnancy test was positive.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.

…the better to administer the drugs.

Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

Suck his toes.

Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.

“You are falling deeper into my power…”

Allow him to relax and unwind.

Give him a blowjob, but be sure not to compare his penis to the plumber’s (who you did earlier in the day), lest he feel inadequate.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Should he become boring, make subtle gestures that you wish for him to stop talking, such as gently shoving the table lamp up his nose.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment;

…such as crack houses, dog fighting, or Republican National Committee meetings.

instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

Encourage him to relax by giving him a lobotomy. This can be easily accomplished with common kitchen implements.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.